As much progress as I’ve made in some areas of my life, lately I feel like I’ve been sabotaging myself in other areas. Other than injuries, I’ve done great sticking with running this year. I’ve done fantastically well with my food habits too.

I previously wrote about sleep. At the time, I was doing well enough. Then I decided that I wanted to go to sleep and wake up earlier. I want more wakeful hours during daylight and to not be rushed to get to places before they close when I have errands to run.

I started to work my way to an earlier bed time and wake up. Then I hit a whole lot of resistance. I’d end up staying up even later than before and sleeping later into the day. It’s almost a compulsion to keep doing whatever I can to not go to bed.

I’ve also been feeling extra groggy when I haven’t gotten a full nights sleep. So my willpower to wake up earlier is more easily overpowered. The same thing happened last year in the fall and winter. I wonder if part of it is environmental, but I’m not exactly sure what it would be. But it doesn’t keep me up late.

The same sort of pattern played out a bit in my reselling business. I built up to a certain point and wanted to go further. Instead, I ended up going backwards.

It happened when I was a kid as well. I was sick a lot (I think I was making myself ill), so I was homeschooled in 5th grade. The district provided a tutor. I remember one particular assignment. I was supposed to write a report. I don’t recall the topic. I had all the materials, but got overwhelmed and didn’t do it. The due date, which I helped choose, came and went. My tutor even explained that he was pretty sure that I’d get overwhelmed, shut down and not finish.

Even though I don’t do moderation very well in a lot of cases, I’ve found that I have to try it in others. To get back on track in my reselling business, I had to break it down into smaller chunks. Instead of spending 4-6 or even up to 10 hours a day, a few days a week doing as much as possible, I give myself a few things to do daily while watching or listening to something over a couple hours. I guess doing it daily could be considered all in, in one manner of speaking. The distraction of sound and/or video also helps.

I also have a book that I planned about 2 years ago, wrote a few pages last year and haven’t done much with since. I broke it down into small sections, but it still overwhelms me, both the size of the task and the subject matter. I really want to complete it, maybe even need to complete it. The resistance is seemingly insurmountable, though.

The comfort of the status quo is incredible anti-motivation against these things I want. Change can be difficult and even scary. Consciously I want to make changes to become my potential. Subconsciously, I’m trying to protect myself from failure, rejection, overwork, danger or whatever the perceived threats.

The trick is reprogramming the subconscious to no longer see these things as threats. I’ve done it before in other aspects of my life. Time to put in some more work, and maybe learn a little moderation.